Sometimes it may be better, Machiavelli wrote, to be afraid than to love. Prince Harry certainly hoped his diary would strike fear into the hearts of Buckingham Palace. But what did he probably not expect?
To become a global laughing stock. During this, his late mother’s memory shrinks. Suffering from crashing approval ratings. Space shuttles fall to Earth at a slower speed.
Imagine Harry and Meghan’s pre-publication fantasies! Sure they imagined the world on their backs, angry that Harry got a smaller bedroom at Balmoral and Charles not a hugger so much, no doubt inciting the end of the monarchy while they applauded Harry and Meghan for enduring such suffering so gallantly. America hasn’t claimed its cute prince since JFK Jr! Meghan will become president one day, Harry has been sought after by every CEO, disruptor, and wake-up activist on the planet.
Harry and Meghan’s esteem will rise in direct proportion to the downfall of the royal family, which is what they designed.
Unfortunately, karma has a way of kicking one in one’s teeth. A new poll published by Newsweek on Wednesday — conducted six days after the release of “Speer” — shows that American voters are definitely doing well because of this outrageous couple. Harry’s preference decreased by 45 percentage points, and Meghan’s by 36 percentage points.
This result couldn’t be more idyllic. And it’s not just the average American who’s exhausted from their endless torments and moans – Hollywood has completely woken up. You know, the people Harry and Meghan so desperately wish they could invite to sit at their table, along with all the other adorable kids.
Instead, Hollywood laughs at them. Laughing and laughing and laughing.
Among the many indiscretions shared in Spear was the indelible moment when Harry smeared his frostbitten penis with his late mother’s favorite lip cream. (You really can’t make this up.) And Jimmy Kimmel, who previously poked fun at Harry’s broken dog collar/bowl shock, mercilessly mocked this delicacy on his late-night show two nights ago.
Unfortunately, karma has a way of kicking one in one’s teeth. A new poll published by Newsweek on Wednesday — conducted six days after the release of “Speer” — shows that American voters are definitely doing well because of this outrageous couple.
Jimmy Kimmel, who previously poked fun at Harry’s broken dog collar/bowl shock, mercilessly mocked this food on his late night show two nights ago.
“The story of Prince Harold and his frozen yogurt is so popular, they’re now releasing a children’s version,” Kimmel joked, holding an imaginary golden book titled “The Prince and the Penis.”
Kimmel went on to share a “first read” full of illustrations reminiscent of “South Park” including a cryptic rendering of what Harry calls his “little baby”:
“Oh, my mother, my mother!” he cried, crying out, and from then on she appeared with some cream.
“My poor little prince, put this cream on your cut. It will lessen the pain and make it less cold.”
“But mom, didn’t you put that on your lips?”
“Oh yes my dear boy, and so shall he nibble . . . but do not be late or he shall destroy your knob.”
“But, Mama, have you heard of Sir Sigmund Freud?”
Now that’s a book to cherish!
Perhaps Kimmel’s awesome part was some form of revenge. After all, Harry wrote about attending the A-list Hollywood party at Courteney Cox’s house, where “a giant box of black diamond mushroom chocolates” was set out for guests. Proving his heft and his credentials, Harry doesn’t understand that you don’t get out celebrities you want to befriend – especially single moms – to do drugs at their house parties.
Here was Chelsea Handler on stage at the Critics’ Choice Awards Sunday night: “Dahmer” has become the third highest watched show on Netflix, with a total of 1 billion hours watched. Which, apparently, is about the same amount of time as we’ll have to listen to Prince Harry talk about his frostbitten penis. Enough already.’
When you lose Hollywood waking up, you’re done. And this is an evil audience that knows a thing or two about backstabbing. But even those, it seems, have limits, and your family’s innermost thoughts and private pain-among decent people aren’t sold anywhere, really. Sharing private texts from your sister-in-law to your wife is the realm of reality shows, not serious artists and activists.
That would certainly explain why Harry and Meghan weren’t invited to the BAFTA Gala in Los Angeles, right?
No less an authority on Bethenny Frankel, who became a millionaire through the Real Housewives franchise, is on her podcast on Wednesday.
“For someone to be able to share media texts between family members, let alone members of the royal family — it’s crazy,” she said in part. Megan plays out of the ‘Housewives’ booklet.
Imagine Harry and Meghan’s pre-publication fantasies! Sure they imagined the world on their backs, angry that Harry got a smaller bedroom at Balmoral and Charles not a hugger so much, no doubt inciting the end of the monarchy while they applauded Harry and Meghan for enduring such suffering so gallantly.
This seems on the level of Harry and Meghan’s Housewives, right? He embodies everything they have shown themselves to be: petty, spiteful, self-absorbed, greedy, materialistic, envious, know-it-all social climbers who believe all publicity should be good publicity.
not like that. CNN’s Don Lemon on Harry’s diary: “Gosh.”
Sean Lennon, the other son of a martyred global icon, mocked Harry on Twitter. “When Harry’s editor read the sentence, ‘My penis was oscillating between extremely sensitive and blunt trauma,’ didn’t they want to make an intervention of some kind?” Lennon tweeted. “I mean, that’s definitely one of the worst sentences ever written in the English language.”
It makes you wonder what the suits and C-suite at Penguin Random House really think about Harry’s diary — not to mention how ghostwriter, Pulitzer Prize-winning JR Moehringer, feels about the final product. It’s hard to believe that no one involved in this book said to Harry, “You know, you might not want to reveal that your brother, the future king, is circumcised.”
Really: where is the awakened brigade? Isn’t this disclosure an overt violation of the privacy of the body?
It’s also hard to believe that no one said, “While we’re at it, anecdote about you and Meghan having sex next to a box of your dead mother’s hair, and putting your contraception on top of that box for good luck — maybe you’re missing that?”
Or: “You know Harry, it’s indecent at best, hypocritical at worst, to accuse the media of invading your privacy as they invade your family’s privacy in your book.”
Maybe they did. Harry, who has an overconfidence that only truly gloomy people know, probably won’t listen.
Stephen Colbert rolled out the red carpet for Harry – as a joke, of course – on his late night show. In return for choosing Colbert for his only appearance on Late Night in America, Harry — and his beloved late grandmother — was mercilessly mocked.
Stock your corgis and steal priceless cultural treasure from one of your colonies, because The Late Show is going to be imperial, Colbert said, before comparing the wayward prince to another, more famous, Harry Potter, of course.
“To be rejected by his older brother at school,” Colbert joked, “even though the magic hat sorts them into the same house.” What do you think, Hufflepuff? Gryffindor?
Here was Chelsea Handler on stage at the Critics’ Choice Awards Sunday night: “Dahmer” has become the third highest watched show on Netflix, with a total of 1 billion hours of watch time. Which, apparently, is about the same amount of time as we’ll have to listen to Prince Harry talk about his frostbitten penis. Enough already.’
CNN’s Don Lemon on Harry’s diary: “Gosh.”
Making all these parodies and insulting jokes even sweeter: Harry and Meghan, as we well know, have no sense of humor about myself or anyone else. no one. They are unable to laugh with them, embrace their soap opera existence camp. They’re so desperate to be taken seriously as activists, philanthropists, and prime movers on a global scale — and hey, if that takes a toll on leaked texts between Meghan and Kate about bridesmaids fit for toddlers, then so be it!
Even respected Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan couldn’t resist pulling off some devastating swipes. As I wrote last Sunday, Harry and his book tend to “squeak”: “There is a great excess in his language – he never leaves a place. He flees from it ‘fearing for our mental and physical safety’.” and stairs, often for what he doesn’t realize are trivial things.
yes! Can you imagine how Megan reacts to actual problems? To paraphrase “Spinal Tap” guitarist Nigel Tufnell, these two always dial their emotional amps up to 11.
Speaking of – where was Meghan? For someone whose head is on a perpetual carousel looking for the next camera lens, paparazzi flash, or documentary film crew, she has been strangely absent from this publicity stunt.
Can you see this memoir for what it is, a PR disaster? Or has her prince lost his luster now that the world is pointing at him and laughing at him? ‘Spare’ may be a bestseller (no doubt driven by instant discounts and free Audible copies), but this is a Pyrrhic victory for #BrandSussex.
As the saying goes, it takes a long time to build trust, but seconds get stuck. Harry and Meghan have proven themselves to be untrustworthy, above all. You can’t really come back from that.
love is preserved by the bond of obligation which, for the baseness of men, is broken at every opportunity for their own good; But fear keeps you with a terror of punishment that never fails.
Machiavelli again, in his immortal work titled – What else? – ‘the prince’.